trying to grow

I have a long to do list at the moment.  To Do lists make me feel anxious and pressured.  I'm not the most focussed person, and I don't (I'd prefer to say can't, but well, you know.) seem to be able to do things just because they're on my list of things to be done.

It can take me weeks to get around to doing the simplest of things, yet I might launch headlong into a complicated, time consuming task at a moment's notice.  There is no rhyme or reason to how or why.

I find it frustrating.

I can see my To Do list from here, and it's making me feel all jittery.  I have trouble prioritising, so it's more likely that all of these things won't get done.  Of course all the time that I'm looking at the list, thinking to myself how wonderful it is that I've got heaps of time on my hands over the next three weeks, there's a little voice inside my head that says "you should be doing your tax.  you should be doing your tax".

So often I'll do all the hard, time consuming stuff - but never get around to finishing off the details.

As a teenager one of my favourite novels was "The Hotel New Hampshire" by John Irving.  The chaotic, interesting, tolerant home life they lived was so alluring and enticing.  I spent many hours reading and re-reading it, absorbing the story, the characters and feeling as though I was there.  Lily locks herself away, advising all that called at her door that she is "Trying to grow", when she is in fact writing her novel.

My laptop is slowly dying at the moment, so it's off to the repair shop for a (hopefully) short visit tomorrow.

posted by: blytheswideshut at June 20, 2006 21:11 | link | comments |

Comments: