I'm fat, there I said it.

I'm crying right now, because, well for a lot of reasons.

For a long time now I've really wanted this blog to be a positive, crafty place, full of wonderful sewn things, cute little crafty stuff, and upbeat commentaries on bits and bobs I've been doing in and around these crafty endeavours.

Unfortunately over the past few months, that's not where I've been.  It has been harder and harder to post, because keeping this blog has meant only a portion of me can come out to play.

I suffer from Bipolar II disorder.  Sometimes I suffer from it, sometimes I manage it, and sometimes I feel pretty good and forget that I suffer or manage.

I have epilepsy.  So what, big deal, it's the least of my problems.

I'm infertile, so is my husband.

I'm fat.

I used to think that epilepsy was a big deal.  But I've adapted and accepted.  I work with what I've got, look after myself, take my medication, and things go pretty well.  Same goes for the Bipolar thing - things go along pretty well.  I get a little up, and a little down, but I'm aware of what's going on, so are the people around me, and I do pretty well.  I've accepted my infertility and am working with it and on it.  Children may be in my horizon at some stage.

The biggest problem I have.  Or so I am repeatedly told.  Is my weight.  I'm fat.  I'm big.  I'm overweight.

It seems that everyone has something to say about it, a view of it, and an opinion to offer.  Apparently my weight sends out messages I wasn't aware of - that I'm poor, uneducated, have no self control, don't look after myself, don't care about my health, have bad self esteem - a whole range of things.

If I say I'm happy then I'm either stupid or in denial.  If I say I'm comfortable and ok with how I look and the size that I am - well I can't and don't even say this - because it is a concept that few can understand.  It just can't be so.  No one wants to be fat.

I don't want to be fat.  But I am.  For whatever reason.  I accept it, deal with it, and move on.  I don't obsess about it, I don't let it rule my life, and it isn't my main focus.

I'm infertile - but it's ok to be infertile.  Although the consensus is that being fat made me infertile.  Lose weight and you won't be infertile.  The end.  I've had three gynae/infertility specialists tell me to go away and come back when I've lost 40kg.   Sure then, see you next week.

Acceptance is not denial.  I know who I am, what I am, and what I've got to work with.  I accept it, work with it, and keep on going.

All of this was brought on by some Doctor's visits I've had lately.

I visit my Neurologist every 6months, it's a routine visit.  He said to me on Tuesday "So what are you doing about your weight?"  I just stared at him.  Then told him what he wanted to hear, agreed that "Yes, he was only saying it for my own good, out of concern and interest in my welfare.".  Then I left.  Today I'm angry and upset by the visit.

Two weeks ago I visited my ENT Dr - as a follow up to the Ramsay Hunt virus thing.  (Honestly I had been waiting for someone to say that the whole Ramsay Hunt virus episode occured as a direct result of being fat.  On this occaision the ENT Dr almost said it.)  After checking my ear and confirming, that Yes, I was indeed recovered fully.  She said to me "Are you on a weight management programme, do you need a referral?"  To which, I answered, ever the demure well behaved patient, "Yes I am thank you, no I don't need a referral."  Further discussion appeared to be warranted, and she went on for about 10 mintues.  I'm still annoyed about it.

I have my 12mth dentist checkup next week - I am not looking forward to it.  I bet $5 he's going to comment on my weight.  And damn it if I'm going to be polite this time.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 15, 2006 17:12 | link | comments (7) |

Comments:

#1  16 March 2006 - 02:13

 

Karyn,
I appreciate you honesty! It isn't fun to admit things like you did, it is easier to hide behind you own denial. I know it must be painful to have people remind you of something you yourself can't ever get off your mind. and for that I am sorry. We are always here though to listen, and to help. Keep talking and sharing!

joelene
misocrafty.com~

Anonymous

#2  16 March 2006 - 05:46

 

I hear your story too often. You go for medical care and you get stigmatized. It makes me so angry.
I wish I could give you hug. I know it's hard to "come out" about things, especially fat in terms of identity. But you have. In some ways it's the beginning of healing.
Take good care.
Tish@fatshadow.com

Anonymous

#3  16 March 2006 - 06:15

 

I know exactly how you feel. I put on a lot of weight a few years ago and everyone felt that it was their duty to let me know. How many times I was given 'advice' about weight loss I don't know! And the funny thing is that now I've lost it people are a lot slower to pass around the compliments. I swear that some people act as if they haven't noticed an 18 kilo weight loss! I hope the dentist visit isn't too bad!

sacredheartarts.blogspot.com

Anonymous

#4  16 March 2006 - 07:20

 

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your comments and support. It really means a lot.

blytheswideshut

#5  16 March 2006 - 13:25

 

i know this all too well. but know that you CAN tell any one of your doctors "I'm here for (insert routine checkup) and not to discuss my weight. i'd appreciate moving on." if they bring it up again, REPEAT IT. do NOT let them (especially a DENTIST) discuss your weight with you. it's none of their business and more importantly, YOU should be the one to discuss it because it's YOU who lives with it each day. your weight should not be something that causes you so much mental anguish. trust me, i go through it as well. i refuse to be weighed when i go to the doctor with a throat ache or if i hurt my arm or leg. the only time i'll be weighed is if i'm there to discuss my weight or it's my yearly check up.

i have a hard time discussing this topic in my blog as well. mostly because of the points you mentioned: i'm considered lazy and stupid because i'm fat. add 'unhealthy' to the list as well. people don't know me or what's on the inside, but i'm branded as a stupid, fat, lazy bitch because of what they see on the outside. it's insulting.

gosh, i'm so sorry this is so long. just know you're not alone, ok? cheer up!

-honey bunny
http://thehoneybunny.blogspot.com

Anonymous

#6  17 March 2006 - 10:00

 

I am fat and I have PCOS (causes infertility) and I have two kids. Took a lot of years to have them, but being fat didn't stop me. Cecily is fat and underwent fertility treatments and is pregnant now (http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/)Those fertility specialists you went to sound like jerks.

Hey! I loved you post. I'm fat too. I love crafts too!

ivy
http://www.xanga.com/skin.asp?user=ivyblogs

Anonymous

#7  17 March 2006 - 12:17

 

I have PCOS too. The cruellest reality of PCOS is that it causes you to gain weight, and works against you when you try to lose weight.

The fertility specialists were of the "if you lose weight your PCOS won't be as bad, and then you'll be able to get pregnant" persuasion. They were also jerks.

I am seeing a new fertility specialist, and hopefully will be starting IVF soon. Because I'm at risk of hyperstimulation, I have to be very careful with any IVF treatments I undergo.

Sometimes it all seems to much to cope with.

blytheswideshut

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