Tayler hasn't been home a lot lately.  It dawned on me today, and I have thought on and off whether I should read anything in to it. 

Big Woobie comes back to us tomorrow...he has been interred in a granite "box" type thing that we can put outside, it has a nice plaque on it.

Tomorrow is "Story Time" at the local library and I'm not sure whether I can be bothered to cart three kids, by bus, to the local shopping centre to endure an hour of "entertainment".  The kids like the idea of story time, they like travelling on the bus and playing on the giant floor cushions at the library, but the actual story time component of the outing bores them to tears.  Perhaps we'll sit at the back and if their attention wanders we can disappear early.

I am ovulating.  Discharge and temperature and yesterday's test point to it.  Scott was too tired to fuck, so we'll have a go tomorrow, but we might have missed it.  It's only 11:25pm now, and he went to bed at like 10pm, he got all tired and stressed because he had to sort through the mess in my study to find something of his.  He claims to be neat and organised, but he can never find anything.  If left alone I can always locate items, because I have a "system", even if it is messy and spread out, it's still a system. 

I booked the tickets for Sharon, Jim and I to go to Melbourne at the end of April.  QLD has a long weekend, so we're leaving Friday night and coming back Monday evening.  I'm looking forward to being about to show Sharon around Melbourne, to having lunch at Sophie's, dinner at Bala da Dhaba, a drink or two at Beat Lounge, wandering along Carlisle, Brunswick and Chapel Sts, going into the city and doing all the lane ways for coffee and stickybeaking.  I'm secretly looking forward to going to Chadstone as well.  It's been about 4 years since I've shopped there, and I'd like to just lose myself there for a morning.

I have to stop having a nanna nap during the day.  When the kids go for their sleep at about 1:30 --> 4pm, I usually tidy up the house, organise afternoon activities, and potter around, have some lunch and a coffee and then get a little drowsy...and before too long I'm flaked out on the couch having a nap.  The consequence of this is that I'm up wandering the house at all hours unable to sleep.  Like tonight.

I sort of think I'm in denial about the whole Polycystic Ovary Disease thing at the moment.  I've managed to convince myself, somehow that I'm suddenly fertile, and just need to be filled up with good sperm and 'hey presto' I'll be pregnant.  It's a little harsh on Scott, because in the process of doing this, I've manage to shift the "blame" for our baby-lessness entirely onto his shoulders.  But I feel like my body's such a mystery, things go on inside, things go on outside, and yet seemingly no advances are made.  The whole thing just does my head in.

Some days are better than others though.  Presently I'm coasting on the wave of denial, my days have been relatively happy and calm.  Yet when the hormones of hell kick in the begin my period, things will go downhill fast.  The downward spiral is awful, and lasts, on average, quite a few days.  Frequently I am beside myself with rage and hate for everyone close to me, mournful sorrow and pain for not being pregnant, and an inability to be civil to anyone.  It's a tough few days in the month, but I have to say that Scott and Tayler cope admirably with me, and never once have they retaliated.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 22, 2005 22:39 | link | comments (1) |

Comments:

#1  22 March 2005 - 23:25

 

My parents were told that they´d never have children and now they have two! I´m sure you´ll find your way around it.

PoeticTragedy

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