getting there

I really want to thank everyone again for their kind words, comments and support in response to my fat post.

A number of things have come of that post, and I want to share them.

I have been able to see the true source of my anger.

I have come to understand myself more deeply and clearly than ever before.

I have found a new level of acceptance and maturity about who and what I am.

I can honestly say that I like who I am, but I do not like how other people treat me because of it.

I hate how I'm treated, not how I look.

I hate that I have become such a doormat.  That everytime anyone says anything about weight, exercise, health - anything I go into polite, apology, mmm mm, yes I know, yes m'am, no sir mode.

I hate who I've allowed myself to become.

I don't want to be skinny.  I just want to live my life with honesty and no apologies.


Thank you everyone.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 31, 2006 21:48 | link | comments (3) |

The Hook

In our house we have something called "The Hook".

In a moment I am hoping to execute "The Hook" technique with great effect.

****** elapsed time 12mins ******

Ah Hah!

"The Hook" is all about getting someone to do something for you, because you can't be bothered to do it yourself.  However in order to soften the blow, you use "The Hook" technique to make your request seem less onerous.

Recap:

[footsteps approaching my studio]  [from my desk I open the door and casually look up as he comes into view]

me:  Hi Mootie!

him: Hi moot.

me: where you going?

him: outside - I need to get the broom.  (remember he's cleaning the bathroom)

me: I'm finishing my ****** for Beki, I'm trying to work out what I can use for *******  (knowing full well that he has what I want outside in his broom closet shed)

him: what do you want it to look like?

me: uh, I don't know, I was thinking a piece of ***** would work, but I haven't got any.

him: I think I"ve got some in my shed.

me:  would you cut me a bit about 25cm long if you're going out there.

him: sure.

The Hook - executed in spectacular form.

Other versions of The Hook include:

Both of you are sitting down watching telly, he gets up, as soon as he's on his feet, feel free to try any of the following phrases: "Can you get me a drink if you're going into the kitchen" (this one works even better if you wait until he takes a step toward the kitchen), "Honey (insert lovey word of your choice) can you grab me a tissue on your way back."  Basically any request can be attempted - my favourite one to date is:  Scott gets up to lock the front door as he locks up the house at night.  Me on couch watching E! or other trash TV. "Moot, can you go out to my car, I left my bag on the front seat."  Him - "Are you serious?", Me: "Well I thought you were going outside." Him "You can't hook me that easily."  but he goes outside anyway.

You have to be smart with The Hook though, because after awhile ya'll can end up sitting there in a Mexican standoff each waiting for the other to get up.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 19, 2006 14:17 | link | comments (2) |

Paint'n and stuff.

So yesterday we painted our fence.  We didn't finish painting it, but we made a good start on it.

Per usual, we didn't get started 'tll late in the day.  'Cos on Saturday mornings we like to sleep late, then sit around in our 'jammies waiting for Bunny Swan to make an appearance during the MadTV marathon on the Comedy Channel.  When she's not on Scott makes espresso and I get more and more jumpy - 'cos I can't sit still anyway, and his espresso really packs a punch.  Finally at 11:15am Bunny made an appearance, so by 11:25am we were outside discussing (his term - fighting the more correct term) our plan of action.

During the week we had visited Bunnings to purchase timber fence oil - which I knew was going to look like shit - but I held my tongue in the interests of maintaining marital peace.  So we painted a little test patch.  ("Uh, Scott, right there in the middle is probably not a good place - oh well, at least we can see it, huh?) Of course it looked like shit.  Se we had to go back to Bunnings and purchase the fence 'paint' that I originally wanted, but bit my tongue and bided my time for - because hell - I knew we'd end up coming back for it anyway, so why rock the boat?

In my opinion the 'paint' looks good.  It's not really a paint, it's more like a 'wash' - kind of like paint watered down.  Of course he loves it.  I haven't said "told you so" yet - I'm going to wait till we've got company to mention it.

We were going to continue painting it today, but it started to 'spit' so Scott said - 'fuck it, we'll just clean the house instead'.  Jesus man!  what is wrong with you?  He's cleaning the bathroom now.

Today I am in my studio finishing my Second String swap parcel for my partner.  I'm almost done.  Just a few more things and it's ready to post.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 19, 2006 14:00 | link | comments |

I'm still fat, but happier today.

I love Fridays so that always helps.

I would really like to thank everyone for the support and kind words that have come my way.  I wrote what I was feeling at the time, and it never occurred to me that it would evoke a response - quite the opposite - I've always thought that if I revealed myself everyone would run a mile.

So thank you.  Everyone.  It is much appreciated and helped enormously.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 17, 2006 16:23 | link | comments (3) |

I'm fat, there I said it.

I'm crying right now, because, well for a lot of reasons.

For a long time now I've really wanted this blog to be a positive, crafty place, full of wonderful sewn things, cute little crafty stuff, and upbeat commentaries on bits and bobs I've been doing in and around these crafty endeavours.

Unfortunately over the past few months, that's not where I've been.  It has been harder and harder to post, because keeping this blog has meant only a portion of me can come out to play.

I suffer from Bipolar II disorder.  Sometimes I suffer from it, sometimes I manage it, and sometimes I feel pretty good and forget that I suffer or manage.

I have epilepsy.  So what, big deal, it's the least of my problems.

I'm infertile, so is my husband.

I'm fat.

I used to think that epilepsy was a big deal.  But I've adapted and accepted.  I work with what I've got, look after myself, take my medication, and things go pretty well.  Same goes for the Bipolar thing - things go along pretty well.  I get a little up, and a little down, but I'm aware of what's going on, so are the people around me, and I do pretty well.  I've accepted my infertility and am working with it and on it.  Children may be in my horizon at some stage.

The biggest problem I have.  Or so I am repeatedly told.  Is my weight.  I'm fat.  I'm big.  I'm overweight.

It seems that everyone has something to say about it, a view of it, and an opinion to offer.  Apparently my weight sends out messages I wasn't aware of - that I'm poor, uneducated, have no self control, don't look after myself, don't care about my health, have bad self esteem - a whole range of things.

If I say I'm happy then I'm either stupid or in denial.  If I say I'm comfortable and ok with how I look and the size that I am - well I can't and don't even say this - because it is a concept that few can understand.  It just can't be so.  No one wants to be fat.

I don't want to be fat.  But I am.  For whatever reason.  I accept it, deal with it, and move on.  I don't obsess about it, I don't let it rule my life, and it isn't my main focus.

I'm infertile - but it's ok to be infertile.  Although the consensus is that being fat made me infertile.  Lose weight and you won't be infertile.  The end.  I've had three gynae/infertility specialists tell me to go away and come back when I've lost 40kg.   Sure then, see you next week.

Acceptance is not denial.  I know who I am, what I am, and what I've got to work with.  I accept it, work with it, and keep on going.

All of this was brought on by some Doctor's visits I've had lately.

I visit my Neurologist every 6months, it's a routine visit.  He said to me on Tuesday "So what are you doing about your weight?"  I just stared at him.  Then told him what he wanted to hear, agreed that "Yes, he was only saying it for my own good, out of concern and interest in my welfare.".  Then I left.  Today I'm angry and upset by the visit.

Two weeks ago I visited my ENT Dr - as a follow up to the Ramsay Hunt virus thing.  (Honestly I had been waiting for someone to say that the whole Ramsay Hunt virus episode occured as a direct result of being fat.  On this occaision the ENT Dr almost said it.)  After checking my ear and confirming, that Yes, I was indeed recovered fully.  She said to me "Are you on a weight management programme, do you need a referral?"  To which, I answered, ever the demure well behaved patient, "Yes I am thank you, no I don't need a referral."  Further discussion appeared to be warranted, and she went on for about 10 mintues.  I'm still annoyed about it.

I have my 12mth dentist checkup next week - I am not looking forward to it.  I bet $5 he's going to comment on my weight.  And damn it if I'm going to be polite this time.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 15, 2006 17:12 | link | comments (7) |

flippin' sweet

My CC Swap parcel arrived this morning.  So many beautiful things, so much candy - so much craft and so much stuff.  I am seriously indebted.

It was such a wonderful surprise to wake up to.  (our parcel delivery person drops of parcels at 6am)

I took some photos - but they're mostly blurry because I was so excited I couldn't hold the camera still.  I'm going to take some proper ones tomorrow morning when my studio is flooded with sunlight.

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 07, 2006 11:57 | link | comments (1) |

vistaprint whore

I love me some vistaprint.  Like, really love it.  In an almost unhealthy way.

When a long awaited notification email dropped into my in-box, I was over there so fast, my credit card didn't stand a chance.

I'd been waiting six months for the 100 glossy postcards for FREE! offer - and when it arrived I was ready.

The fruits of my labour arrived today:

If you want one, send me your address, and I'll put one in the post for you.

trinkets AT rocketmail DOT com

posted by: blytheswideshut at March 01, 2006 21:43 | link | comments |